


Finny and Manny: Why Is My Food Trying to Run Away?

by Zombie_ReiKitti



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Itachi loves serious commentary, Itachi's Movie Date, Kisame crashes the movie date, Kisame has commentary, Kisame is on crack, OOC Itachi, OOC Kisame, Out of Character, PWP without Porn, Possibly Pre-Slash, Sharks, but so does Itachi, crack!fic, squint for pre-slash, winning bets, winning competitions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 03:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13539159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zombie_ReiKitti/pseuds/Zombie_ReiKitti
Summary: Kisame finds someone watching a shark movie by themselves at HQ. With the firm belief that no one should watch shark movies by themselves, Kisame decides to join them. Winning the unannounced (and probably one-sided) bet was just the cherry on the top.





	Finny and Manny: Why Is My Food Trying to Run Away?

**Author's Note:**

> Right, so I legitimately had this conversation with a friend via text messaging while she was watching that "47 Meters Down" movie on Netflix and while I was watching "Father Brown" on Netflix. Let it be known, I have not seen "47 Meters Down" and all shark commentary was from me, because I LOVE sharks. And I watch a lot of shark week stuff to get ammunition for shark commentaries. It's a guilty pleasure. Anyway, I told my friend that if I were to write a fanfiction about our conversation, I would post it online. So here we are! Please enjoy!

"Shit shit shit shit shit shit!" Came the quiet string of swears from the next room. Pausing in stride right outside the doorway, Kisame next heard, "Get back in the freaking cage, stupid!"

Leaning his head into the room, Kisame saw what appeared to be a shark attack thriller show on the TV. _Ehhh... okay then... wait... is that the 47 Meters Down? That's... huh... haven't seen that one yet. Who's watching?_ Looking around at the couch caused Kisame's eyes to widen. _Itachi?! What the hell?!_

"SHE'S OUT OF THE FREAKING CAGE. AGAIN. DUDE!" Itachi's loud whisper caught Kisame off guard. And then a shit-eating grin was soon stretching across Kisame's face. He walked up to Itachi from behind and bent his knees.

"Shark bait, boo ha ha," he whispered, his breath tantalizingly near Itachi's ear.

"Seriously. There's a shark." Itachi barely turned his head and captured Kisame's gaze. His hand motioned to the open cushion next to him in open invitation. Taking it, Kisame climbed over the back of the couch and settled next to his partner in crime. Itachi turned his attention back to the movie.

"Chomp chomp, I just want a hug," snarked Kisame with a smirk.

"She got back in the cage, barely, but she somehow got the padlock off the door so now that's busted." Itachi explained in a deadpan.

"Oh. Shark bait, boo ha ha, time for a little snack." The shit-eating grin grew, if that was possible.

"Have you seen this before?" Itachi asked, giving Kisame a long side look.

"No. I just love shark commentary," Kisame gave Itachi a long look, as if asking 'really? did you really expect anything else?'

Itachi hmmmed in response. A few minutes passed in silence. Then, "Yes, hit the light against the metal bar. Attract more sharks. Genius," Itachi, once again, deadpanned to the TV.

"Ohhhh, dinner bell," Kisame purred.

"THE OTHER GIRL JUST GOT OUT! GOOD LORD!" Itachi's face showed exactly how much of an idiot he thought the girls in this movie were.

"Well, sharing is caring and caring is sharing," Kisame replied in a tone matching Itachi's face.

"Apparently," Itachi scoffed.

"Sharks don't mind sharing, either," Kisame explained to Itachi, "It's like... show and tell. With hugs. By teeth."

"And the ripping of limbs," Itachi snarked back. "They're both running out of air."

"Hugs so good they take your breath away. They're nearly speechless." Kisame returned the snark tenfold. "Sharks really love hugs."

"KISAME. MY ANXIETY HAS ANXIETY. AND THAT ANXIETY HAS ANXIETY." Itachi loudly announced to the room. _What the hell? Itachi has anxiety? Seriously?_ Kisame thought to himself. _Huh. Learn something new everything day. But uhhh he doesn't look so good... maybe I should stop?_

"I'm sorry," Kisame apologized. "Should I stop?" He didn't want to cause any significant psychological damage; he enjoyed living, thanks.

"No, you're good," was Itachi's quiet reply. Kisame nodded in response. It was quiet for a few more minutes.

"THE GUY THAT CAME TO SAVE THEM JUST GOT EATEN!" Came Itachi's next outburst.

"The more, the merrier... At least for the sharks." Came Kisame's response.

"DAMMIT!!"

"Hey, hey, hey Finny! Do you want an arm or a leg for dinner? Manny says we can have whatever!" Kisame said, pretending he was one of the sharks talking to the other shark. "See? Manny is waving us over for a bite!"

"SHE DIDN'T GET BACK IN THE CAGE! SHE SWAM UP!" It appeared Itachi was ignoring Kisame's own shark commentary.

"OH! So talented, Manny, waving with your foot!" Kisame was having none of that. He would get Itachi to respond to his shark commentary before the end of the movie! He would! "But Manny, you should know Finny has a foot fetish!"

"They've got the thing attached so they can be brought back up," Itachi explained for some unknown reason. "Why the hell did the guy come down in the first place?" Itachi mumbled to himself. "THERE'S STILL HALF AN HOUR LEFT??" That was a loud, whiny, and slightly confused question. Kisame stared at him for a bit. He was learning new things about his partner that he wasn't entirely too sure were things that he actually ever wanted to know. But he was on a mission now to get Itachi to respond to something Kisame said that Kisame felt he couldn't just leave now.

"It's the foot fetish. They gotta conclude on that," Kisame answered. "Finny really wants that foot, it'll make him soooooo happy!" He continued with his voice over commentary for the sharks.

"The rope broke. Why are they using a rope?!" Again, Itachi ignored Kisame's shark commentary.

"Why, to better let the sharks hug you, of course! Can't run away if you're caught up in rope," Kisame answered. Itachi bit his lip to keep his retort in, but Kisame saw the movement and grinned to himself. _Soon. Soon, he'll crack._ It was another few minutes before either said anything. This time, it was Kisame who spoke up first. "Finny really likes feet. It's just... waving so enthusiastically at him. He must go lick it, at the least," Kisame said with a straight face.

"The one girl has two bars of oxygen left and he just sent down two more tanks," Itachi said, if only just to not let Kisame have the last word. He would win this strange commentary competition. He would! Else, he would never hear the end of Kisame's boasting.

"Maybe a small nibble."

"There's their shark friend."

"Ohhhh! More opportunities to take her breath away! Hi shark fran! Manny says we can have whatever for dinner!"

Nothing too exciting happened in the next few minutes so Itachi had nothing to criticize for the moment. Kisame took the moment to glance at Itachi. He wasn't too sure if Itachi had caught on to who _Finny_ and _Manny_ were. He leaned over and whispered, "I feel I should clarify: _Finny_ is shark and _Manny_ is human." Itachi glanced over at him and _smirked._ The little bastard _knew!_ Kisame would take it as a win for getting a response out of Itachi. His shit-eating grin stretched back onto his face as he leaned back into his side of the couch. He opened his mouth to continue his odd commentary as a shark, "Shark fran has a foot fetish too. Manny, is it okay if Finny and Shark fran share?"

"THE SHARK GOT ONE OF THE GIRLS!" Came the almost predictable outburst from Itachi.

"Hmmmmm... Finny, I don't know about this 'ocean breeze' taste. Is it supposed to have that weird after taste?" Kisame wasn't entirely sure where he was even getting this commentary anymore. It was sounding more and more like he was tripping on crack or something. "Better nibble on the Other Manny to make sure it's normal after taste."

"She's got one bar of oxygen and can't reach the tank!" Itachi stayed true to his own commentary of the movie. He would not let Kisame best him! "SHE GOT IT!!"

"Come here Other Manny! We like hugs! And feet!" There was no stopping it for Kisame now. The show _had_ to go on!

Itachi gasped as the scenery changed to a more positive note. _Could this be the end?!_

"SHE WAS HALLUCINATING THAT THEY GOT OUT?!?!" Itachi was enraged! That was a terrible move! They almost had him believing it would end on a great and fantastic note! Those assholes! "THE COAST GUARD SHOWED UP!!"

"OH NO!! NOT THE COAST GUARD!!" Kisame gasped out loudly as though in shock. "Coast Guard no like Finny and Shark fran! Run away! RUN AWAY!"

The sharks were scared off; the Coast Guard saved the day!

As the two criminals sat watching the credits roll, Itachi turned to Kisame and blurted out, "That. Was. The. Dumbest. Ending. EVER."

"Poor Finny doesn't get the foot for his foot fetish. So sad. Shark fran just wanted a hug too." Kisame deadpanned without skipping a beat.

"Well, the other girl is dead." Itachi slowly blinked.

"Yeah, but dead girls can't hug back," Kisame pouted. "It's very tragic."

"Poor shark," Itachi agreed in an apologetic tone.

"Yes," Kisame accepted the apology. He stood up and stretched. "Well, it's been fun, Itachi," he said as he waved his hand over his shoulder, and then he left the room to head back towards his own room. _I'm gonna have dreams about sad sharks wanting hugs now. Hopefully the girls are better looking than those in the movie._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this as much as my friend and I! (I don't know if she has an ao3 account so she will remain anonymous for now)


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